One of the toughest things to do after experiencing a life changing event is to get back in touch with your true identity. Speaking from experience, this is easier said than done. Why? Because for most of us, our identity becomes wrapped up in our careers, family, and social circle. With so many opportunities to be on stage, it becomes uncomfortable to break down the rock star façade and feel worthy just for being ourselves.
A short time into retirement, I am feeling this pain and am trying to fix it by altering my work-centric mindset. Self-worth is not tied to a job, popularity, or to being the greatest wife or parent on the planet. If you struggle with this like I do, here are some reminders that your self-esteem is not what you have done but who you are.
4 Reminders that Self-Worth is Tied to Who You Are and Not to What You Have Done
1. The way others see you is often a perception and not reality
When facing the public, whether at our job, a neighborhood potluck, or even at the computer keyboard, we put our best foot forward. Regardless of how we really feel at the moment, we put on a happy face and turn on the charm. The reality is that you may be feeling crappy or are struggling with the stresses of the day. Let us call it what it is: a mask.
This is not a bad thing. Not at all. Who wants to be known as a grump? But even more important, even when things may not be going particularly well, putting on a happy face can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I can recall countless times when I put on a happy face only to find that it turned the tide and helped evolve a bad day into a good day.
Still, that happy face, or mask as I call it, is there for others to see. Depending on the situation, it may not reflect your hopes, dreams, feelings, and concerns. Recognize the sometimes you need to drop the mask and get in touch with yourself. Those hopes, dreams, feelings, and concerns are important. If only to you.
2. What you do is not who you are
Closely related to reminder #1, what you do may not have much to do with who you really are. This is especially true in the workplace. Anyone who has changed jobs knows what is like to show up during those first days knowing that you will have to prove yourself all over again. Chances are that most of your co-workers will be unaware of the promotions you earned or your rapid rise to stardom in your previous company.
The same thing can be said for retirement. After spending eight to ten hours a day focused on career, waking up to the lack of purpose can be daunting if not downright depressing. When the closets and pantry are reorganized, the house cleaned from top to bottom, and the 100 item to do list reduced to 10, what comes next is the realization that what you are doing in the moment is what defines you. Not the accomplishments from a previous life, not the money in your bank account, and not the number of Facebook friends.
What defines you is how you live in the here and the now. It is not what you do, but who you are as a person that counts. Which leads us to the next reminder.
3. Core values are important
Know what you believe in then walk that walk. At the end of the day, you must be your own judge and jury. Core values are unique to everyone but there are a few that should ring true for everyone. Let me toss some of my own out for consideration:
How you treat people day to day is what counts
Practice frugality but don’t be a cheapskate
Allow room in your budget for an occasional indulgence
Don’t depend on others to take care of your basic needs in an emergency
You can pick your friends but not your family
There is no room in your life for toxic relationships
As situations change, be flexible and demonstrate a willingness to change
Live each day as though it may be your last
4. Memories are fleeting
People forget. You may not forget about a certain milestone in your life but trust me, others will. It is not that they don’t care about you but rather that they have their own busy lives to deal with. If you are stuck in a rut trying to be the person you were five years ago, you will be left behind.
My advice? Get over it. Give the people in your life a new memory and heck, store that memory for yourself as you continue to move forward.
Some of you may remember my byline “Enjoy your next adventure through common sense and thoughtful preparation!”. Let me change that. How about “Enjoy your next adventure wherever it takes you!”.
Summing It All Up
In this piece, I have done my best to summarize how to disconnect your self-esteem from major changes in life circumstances. My methodology consists of simple reminders that you are who you are as a person and not solely as the sum of your accomplishments. What you have learned along the way has most assuredly contributed to the you of today, but those lessons do not define you.
One more thing. Something you do not know about me is that my undergraduate degree was in Sociology. That may explain my lifelong interest in studying people as a group and applying the best of group dynamics to my life and my writing. Snippets sometimes fall into place as they have done during this most recent transition from full-time blogger to full-time retired. Thank you for reading and for sharing my journey.
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Karen S. says
This is a beautiful post. I’m sure it is timely for many people in various situations.
It can also be said that these values apply to oneself when a spouse or other close person has made major changes in his/her life.
Thank you for your thoughtful reflections.
Gaye Levy says
Having the time for self-reflection has been an important outcome of this latest life change. Thanks for checking in.
Sharlene says
Gaye – I am so happy that you are still on-line and so enjoy your take on life.
Boy did I need your “Take on Life” today. You turned my day around.
Thank you so much!
Gaye Levy says
Oh good. Sometimes I miss being in a fishbowl but most days I enjoy being just me. The difficult part for the short term is convincing others that I am more than just “that person”. Does that make sense?
Good luck in your own journey, Sharlene.
Nicole says
I agree: one of my biggest challenges post-retirement is the perception of others. My husband thinks I need a hobby (Really? Has he not been paying attention these past 10+ years when we’ve been getting to know one another?); one of my work friends is sure I’m massively depressed because I’m now “home bound” instead of having someplace to go every day (HA!); other friends feel no compunction whatsoever about usurping my schedule to their own ends because obviously (to them) I must now have unlimited free time because I’m no longer working 10-12 hours a day. I figure it’s like a game of tennis: my job is to lob the ball back over the net every time it’s hit into my court; their job is to get used to the idea I’m happy, healthy, and usefully (if no longer gainfully) employed.
I have to disagree about the family thing though. My genetic family is toxic and dysfunctional. I disassociated myself from them many decades back for the sake of my own sanity. I know this won’t be a popular stance for those close to their own families but I’ve always felt I’m related to mine only though an accident of birth. I have friends who are closer to me than my family has ever been, and, for me, that’s enough. I understand YMMV.
I hear my fabric stash whispering my name. I feel a new quilt project coming on. Enjoy your next adventure and thanks, as always, for sharing with us.
Jo says
Nicole,
I do agree with you 100 percent about toxic relatives. Sometimes there is nothing left to do but walk away and pray. The way you describe the feeling you had within your family circle of not feeling like you belonged and them just feeling like a birth family are exactly how I lived the first 51 years of my life. Why I chose to wait so long to dissociate myself from the madness is beyond understanding, but once done, my life and the lives of my children and grandchildren changed so much. I feel a toxic cycle has been broken and we are all so much the better and happier for it.
Best wishes,
Jo
Gaye Levy says
You didn’t say how long you have been away from the workplace but it sounds as though you are in a similar place that I am. Sometimes I want to be a slug and do nothing but sit outdoors, watch the wildlife, and listen to an audiobook. My husband, Shelly, is very supportive of slug-ness but I still feel guilty at not being productive. Still, I try to indulge in this particular type of laziness at least once a week.
I sure would like to be a fly on the wall when you lobbed back to those friends who are stepping on your space LOL.
Did you miss this in the article?
“You can pick your friends but not your family
There is no room in your life for toxic relationships”
I would rather not go into detail about those two points but you can read between the lines. I often wonder if family relationships played a role in my running away to Arizona.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts – so glad to see you here on the blog.
Nicole says
You’re a writer, Gaye. No downtime is EVER non-productive. You’re re-charging, re-prioritizing, and in pre-production for a project yet to be determined. You WORKED, literally, for the time you’re now enjoying. Sit outdoors and feel the tension seep out and the restoration slowly take its place. There’s no hard demarcation between what was and what is now. There IS process, and I agree slug-ness is an important part of it. You’ll know when it’s time to engage again. I suspect it will be around the time you start an article entitled “George Comes To Payson,” lol.
Yes, I think we retired at about the same time. Mind, I hadn’t planned on retiring yet, but as my workplace grew ever more toxic, I realized I was only enabling bad behavior in others and it was time to step away. I hope the karma I burned off in the past 20 years will prove to be beneficial in the scheme of the universe. My hub is generally supportive of my retirement, I just can’t break him of the habit of generalizing about me/us from articles he reads on the internet. He’s still a keeper.
There’s a difference between “running from” and “running to.” I’ve never run away in my life. I have, however, run towards. I suspect it’s the same for you. Never let someone else try and define what’s right for you, especially when you’re listening to the whispers of your heart that others wish you hadn’t heard. It takes courage to change; your new fishbowl may be smaller, but I still appreciate the color and motion you’re allowing us to share. Thanks for including us in your new adventure.
Joan says
Loved this article! I have been “retired” for 10 years and people do try to usurp my time. The truth is, I’m MUCH busier now than when I was going to a job every day and there isn’t one thing I do that I actually hate – not even cleaning the house (which is a necessity, but not a big have-to for me). My husband is not yet retired but I sure worry about him when he does. His interests include his job and an xBox game he plays – nothing else! Yes, he says we’ll “do things” when he retires and we’ll travel, but I think he thinks that daily chores will take up the extra time now spent in his job. No they won’t (I know that personally). Like you stated, when your to-do list of 100 is reduced to 10, what then? I guess he’ll have to find out for himself . . .
Gaye Levy says
The first few years after my husband retired he became a couch potato, having two-way conversations with Oprah while watching her show during the daytime. Thankfully, he got over that and found other interests, including golf. For me, that was a blessing and not a curse, although I personally get tired of listening to golf stories 24/7 LOL.
Vicki Vestre says
Well said Gaye! My husband and I are in the process of relocating 1500 miles to be near our kids and grands. I have enjoyed your blog for years and wish you happiness in retirement. It’s time to smell lots of roses for both of us!
Gaye Levy says
Thank you for following me to the new site, Vicki.
Mick says
Hi Gaye! I wanted you to know that I’ve been here at your site ever since you made the change but have been so busy that I haven’t had time to say hello. I got married about 8 months ago and the move from MD back to NC has been crazy. I’m very sure you can relate to that! I also married about 8 months ago. So now I have one more to add to my son and granddaughter to prep for and he’s not really sure what he thinks of my frenzied activity but every now and then he comes home with something that he thinks could come in handy when the SHTF so I guess he’s getting on board. I also manage his towing company and my granddaughter spent the summer with me. I’m trying to find all my prep supplies (in boxes) so that I relearn exactly what I have and what I need. If I ever get done I am going to follow you with a day here and there of nothing but spending the day with me. I think I can do it!
Tricia says
I just want you to know I appreciate you very much, Gaye, although since you are no longer the ‘main’ man on the Backyard Survival I haven’t enjoyed reading it and have thought several times of letting it go, but I am loyal nonetheless. I look forward to your writings here though. More so than ever as you are in retirement mode.
Thank you again for confirming, along with your commentors here that letting family go is for our sanity. I recently let a couple more go for their association with those I said goodbye to years ago, and were trying to come back into my life ‘thru the backdoor’. I have literally been grieving these two though. Life has not been pleasant lately.
You deserve to spend your time the way you see fit. All the years of working has entitled you to. Thank you , Gaye, for taking the time to write.
Barbara in Colorado says
Thanks for sharing your list! It’s encouraging and refreshing to be reminded of these kinds of things. They can so easily get “misplaced” in the daily-ness of life. I think I’ll review my list of ‘core values” and print it out so I can be reminded of them when those times of feeling overwhelmed or discouraged come wandering through.